


If You Live in the Past, You Die There

by orphan_account



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Lucille - Freeform, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, addresses what might happen in the finale, not daryl or jesus though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 11:35:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6422317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loss eats at you like a rotting disease and if you don't clear out the wound it'll take you alive.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Live in the Past, You Die There

**Author's Note:**

> Wow damn that summary is dark. I don't know I like this all that much but I wrote it... so I'mma post it.  
> unbeta'd and probably full of mistakes, for this I am sorry.  
> was supposed to be a drabble. Shit got outta hand. this is mostly spawned of the "Give my baby someone to fuckin' talk to" post on tumblr.  
> I'm tellin' ya now, there is death of the lucille-ing kind (not graphically described) but if you ain't about that, time to bop on outta this fic.  
> Spoilers for East too if ya ain't caught up.

Daryl woke slowly, the pain in his shoulder akin to an acidic fire burning through his nerves like dogs chasing too many rabbits.  He opened his eyes and they felt like they were clogged with sand.  Blinking, the ceiling of the clinic came into focus and he opened his mouth once, twice.

“Denise?”  He gagged out, before the memories came back and he groaned at the image of a bolt through an eye.  He closed his eyes tight as if the vision was real and he could blink it away and when he re-opened them ocean-deep eyes met his, unnervingly soothing.

“Daryl?”  Jesus looked worried.  Then all at once the memories of a baseball bat and blood… screaming and gunfire… Glenn.

“Glenn!”  Daryl gasped and tried to sit up but the pain in his shoulder re-doubled and Jesus swiftly but gently pushed him back down on the cot.

“Can’t sit up yet.  You have to rest.”

“Where’s Glenn?”  Daryl met Jesus’s eyes with urgency, but the only reply he got was a small shake of his head.  Daryl slammed his left fist into the cot and Jesus grabbed it.  “What ‘bout Rosita, ‘Chonne, Rick… Maggie?”

“Rosita, Michonne and Rick are alright, just a few cuts and scrapes.  Rick got grazed, nothing serious…”  Jesus’s voice trailed off.

“What ‘bout Maggie?”  Daryl pressed.

“She’s having… complications.”  Daryl squeezed his eyes shut.  _Fuck_ this was all his fault.  “Doctor Carson took a look at her and he’s doing everything he can but… We’re still not sure what’s happening.”

“She gonna lose the baby?”

“We don’t know.”  There was no reason to sugar-coat anything.  Daryl’s eyes opened again and he immediately started to try and sit up.  Jesus pushed him back down on the cot.

“What did I tell you?”

“I ain’t stayin’ here!  I’m fuckin’ poison!”

“Daryl!”  Jesus finally got the upperhand and got Daryl back down on the cot.  “I will tie you down if I have to.”

“Fuck you!”

“Listen to me.  You can hate yourself all you want but your people, your _family,_ loves you and if you leave you’ll just be hurting them.”

“Already hurt them.”

“Maggie’s been in here every damn day, wanting to talk to you.”  Daryl stilled.  “At first she didn’t say anything but now she wants you to know that she still loves you.  That she hurts but she doesn’t blame you and she knows you’re gonna blame yourself, just like you’re doing now.  She’s never gonna be the same but this was _Negan,_ not _you_ Daryl.”  Jesus was still leaning over him though he had stopped trying to get off the cot at the beginning of his speech.  “Don’t do this to yourself.”  His voice was quiet now, urgent as if this was the last time Daryl would hear him.  “Please.”

“Knock me out.”  Daryl murmured.

“What?”  Jesus asked, unable to process Daryl’s request.

“I know you have meds here, knock me out.”

“No.”

“I can’t be here.”

“You’re not running from this.”

“The fuck would you know about it?”

“Talk to me then.  Talk me through it, but don’t run.”  Daryl stared up at Jesus, now shifted back from the bed a little, but his hand still rested on Daryl’s arm.  Daryl swallowed, the heat from the other man’s hand making him twitchy.

“Got any water here?”  Jesus nodded slowly before turned to get some. 

“Her sister’s name was Beth.”  Daryl said after he downed a glass of water.  “We were all together at this prison for a while, but got attacked.  Beth and I got split off and then Beth got snatched by some pricks who held up in this hospital.  We finally found her… Almost had her back and then she was gone.  I had to carry her body out to Maggie.  Watched her collapse.”  Jesus looked down at the floor.  “Prior to that she had to watch her father get his head cut off by some asshole called himself “The Gov’ner”.  Suppose I had somethin’ to do with that too, me an’ my brother were mixed up with all of it.”  Daryl sighed.  “An’ now this.  Everyone she loves is gone and it’s because o’ me.”

Jesus took a shaky breath.  “Everyone she loves isn’t gone.”  He looked up at Daryl. “She still as everyone from your group… her family.  She has everyone from Alexandria.  And as long as Doctor Carson has air in his lungs he’s going to make sure that baby survives.”  Daryl looked back up at the ceiling.  “You have to stop blaming yourself.  You didn’t kill her father.  You didn’t kill her sister.  You _did not_ kill Glenn.”

“But the shit I did…”

“Fuck the shit you did.”  Daryl’s eyes flicked over to him.  He never heard Jesus sound so angry.  “Any number of things could have happened and they could have ended up the same way or you could have done the same thing and they could have ended up alive.  Daryl, what happened, happened.  We can’t change the past and you can’t live in it either.  If you do, you’ll die there.”  Daryl stared back at him for a while before he finally spoke.

“Yeah.”  He breathed out.  Jesus was right.  “…Yeah.”  Daryl shifted a little and the pain radiated through his body.  Jesus saw him wince and he stood, concern painted again on his face.  “Got anything for the pain?”

“Doctor Carson left something.”  Jesus said, picking up some pills from the bedside table and getting another glass of water.  Daryl took a couple and Jesus moved around the cot to Daryl’s injured shoulder, peeling back the tape and lifting the gauze on the front of Daryl’s shoulder.  “It was a through and through, but at such close range it really messed everything up.  Doc doesn’t want you putting any weight on it, including the weight of your arm, for a good long while.”  Daryl cringed as the gauze pulled away from the wound.  “Should be about time for him to come take a look at it too.”

“He here?”

“We brought him over from Hilltop.  What with so many injured in Alexandria and Maggie’s baby, it just seemed smarter.”  They lapsed into silence as Daryl thought about everything Jesus said.  He didn’t know if he believed him though.  How could none of this be his fault?  A few minutes later they heard footsteps on the porch and soon Doctor Carson was opening the door… followed by Maggie.

She stopped when she saw Daryl was awake and offered him a small smile before she went to sit on the examination table.

“I’ll wait outside.”  Jesus excused himself and Daryl’s eyes snapped to him as panic set into his chest.  He didn’t know Doctor Carson and he didn’t know what to say to Maggie, how to express what he was feeling… Hell, he hadn’t even sorted out exactly _what_ he was feeling yet.  Suddenly Jesus was his lifeline and he was leaving.  Jesus caught his look and waited until Maggie and Doctor Carson weren’t looking to lean down and whisper “You’ll be alright” to Daryl. Then he was gone.

Daryl looked over to Maggie, laying on the examination table with her shirt pulled up to expose the small bump that was forming low on her belly and Daryl’s gut twisted.  Doctor Carson preformed an ultrasound and Daryl listened as he said something about it looking hopeful, but she needed more of some-such vitamin and the baby was still looking small.  He asked how she was feeling. 

“Tired… Drained.”  She sighed.  “Kinda nauseous.”

“Anymore pain?”

“A twinge once in a while, but not like before.”

“You need to relax.”  Maggie scoffed. “I know, but we need to find ways.  I’ll find you something for the nausea as well.”  Maggie nodded before standing she walked past Daryl and slid her hand over his, giving him another small smile. 

“I’ll be back.”  She said and she went to stand with Jesus out on the porch.

Daryl didn’t say much to Doctor Carson as the man looked at his shoulder, just grunting and giving curt replies to the man’s questions.  He got him situated so he could sit up with his arm in a sling, all the weight distributed to anywhere but his shoulder and he changed the dressing.  When he left Maggie came back in.

“How’s it feel?”  She asked before he could say anything.  Daryl shook his head.

“Maggie I’m sorry.”  She looked down at the floor.  “I shouldn’a gone out there.  He… Glenn tried to bring me back and I was too stupid to listen.”  She was silent for a moment.  She sniffed and looked up at him.

“I don’t blame you.”  She was near tears but wouldn’t let them come.  Daryl felt sick and the words that the doctor just spoke to her rang in his ears.  _You need to relax._  

“We shouldn’t be talkin’ ‘bout this… The baby.”  She slid her hand over her stomach.

“Daryl, listen to me.  I don’t blame you.  You don’t have to apologize but if it helps, I forgive you.”  She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his forehead before resting her’s against it. Daryl’s hand came up to grip her arm. “Okay?”  Daryl nodded.  “I’m glad you’re here.”  After a moment she pulled away, her smile a little brighter this time and Daryl let her arm slip out of his grasp.

“Oh!” She said before she turned towards the door.  “Do you remember how you got here?”  Daryl paused as he tried to remember through the screaming and pain and blood… but all he remembered was blacking out. He shook his head.  Maggie smiled.  “That Jesus is stronger than he looks.”  She left then and as she went through the door Jesus came back in.

“Make amends?”

“Guess so.”  Daryl grumbled.

“Need anything?”  Daryl shifted a little and looked at Jesus.  He didn’t want to depend on him for everything, but at the moment it seemed like he needed to.  Apparently he already had.

“I’m a ‘lil hungry.”  Jesus smiled. 

“Thought you might be so I stocked Tara and Denise’s fridge with some stuff for whenever you woke up.”

“She back yet?”

“Not for a couple more days.”  Jesus said calmly.  He must not have been out for too long then.

“I’ll tell her, about Denise.”  Jesus smiled slightly.

“I think that’s the best thing.”  He turned then and went to the fridge.  “Ok what do you want?  I got deer potroast that one of the ladies made… not sure how that one turned out… some fruit, got some stew that carol made before she…”  Jesus sighed.

“I’ll take whatever.”  Jesus grabbed the stew thinking it would be best to get rid of it.  He put it in the microwave to heat it and turned towards Daryl.  “She’s still out there isn’t she?”  Jesus nodded.  “She’s strong.”

“She’ll be alright.”  Jesus agreed.

“She’ll be back.”  Daryl settled.  He microwave beeped and Jesus pulled the stew out, putting some in a bowl and almost giving it over to Daryl before realizing he only had one good arm.  He put the bowl on the surgical instruments table and slid it over to Daryl before handing him the spoon. 

“Multifaceted.” He remarked and Daryl smiled, just slightly, before he started eating. 

_That Jesus is stronger than he looks._

“How did I…?”  Daryl started but then he stopped.  Did he really want to go there?  He would be in Jesus’s debt, hell, he already was.

“What?”

“How’d I get out of there…? After Glenn and the fighting.  I blacked out.  Maggie said somethin’ ‘bout you.”

“It’s nothing. I just helped.”  Jesus said looking down at the floor, his hair hiding his face intentionally or not, but Daryl couldn’t get a read on him.

“Helped how?”  Jesus looked back up at him after a second.

“You were out cold… Blood loss. After everything started to die down a little and we had Negan’s guys on the run I kinda… Picked you up and carried you out to Rick’s truck.”

Daryl stared at him for a minute.

“You carried my ass outta those woods by yerself?”

“Wasn’t gonna leave you there.”

“But someone could have helped you…”

“I was the only one not injured, and you were in bad shape.  I had to get you out quick.  I’m gonna have to ask you to never do something like that again because you scared the hell out of me.”  Jesus cut himself off after that and looked somewhere near Daryl’s legs, like he didn’t mean to say that much and really Daryl didn’t know how to respond to that except…

“Thank you.”  He replied quietly.

“Any time.”  Jesus smirked at him.  Daryl took a bite of stew.  “Though next time I might wat to do a few stretches first.  I think I pulled something.”  Daryl might have choked on a carrot in an effort not to laugh at Jesus.

Days went by and Daryl’s shoulder was healing but Doctor Carson wasn’t letting him leave the clinic.  He was still afraid that too much weight from Daryl’s arm and any incorrect movement could hinder the healing process, but Daryl was starting to climb the walls.  The only thing that was keeping him sane was people stopping by every day to see him, especially Jesus.  Jesus stopped to see him every day.

“You look twitchy.”  Jesus said as he came into the clinic.

“You’d be too if ya been in here a week.”

“You were out for the first two and a half days of it… and it hasn’t been a week yet.”

“Feels like it.”  Daryl brought his thumb up to his mouth and started chewing on his nail.  Jesus watched him for a second.

“Come on.”  Jesus said motioning to the door.

“What?”

“Come on!”  Jesus said again, opening the door and looking out like some sort of kid sneaking out of their parent’s house.  Daryl got up off the cot and adjusted the sling.  Slowly they left the clinic and snuck around the back of the house between the buildings and the wall.  Daryl took a deep breath in.  It felt like he hadn’t been outside in a month and it had just rained this morning so the air had that wonderful wet earth smell to it.

“Better?”  Jesus asked, eyes filled with some thinly veiled emotion that Daryl couldn’t pin down. 

“Yeah.” Daryl replied, the slightest hint of a smile on his lips.  They started walking behind the houses, slowly, with no destination, picking up their conversation from the day before.

“Temple of Doom had Short Round.”  Daryl mumbled as he watched the grass bend under his boots.

“Yeah but Lost Ark had Marion”

“Temple of Doom had that bit with the heart.”  Daryl countered.

“Melting face Nazi’s.” Jesus enunciated and Daryl huffed a little laugh.

“Yeah, yer right.”

“Next run we go on we’re getting movies and starting movie nights.”

“We?”  Daryl glanced over at him and Jesus looked hopeful.

“I’m thinking about staying in Alexandria for longer than just a few nights at a time.”  Daryl really tried to keep the smile from spreading across his face.  “I mean you can still go on runs with Rick if you want but I thought maybe you’d like my taste in music a bit better.”  Jesus joked.

Daryl stopped walking.  He couldn’t help it.  Jesus looked so warm and happy, so at peace in this messed up world and Daryl just wanted to crawl into it.  Jesus stopped a few steps ahead of him and turned around.

“You okay?”  Within the span of a breath Daryl closed the distance between them, cradled the back of Jesus’s head and kissed him.

Paul Rovia tasted sweeter that the fresh-wet grass under their feet and forced Daryl’s chest open wider than the sky over his head.  He never felt that before in his life and he hoped to God that he never had to let it go.

After a minute Daryl broke away but didn’t open his eyes, afraid to lose everything he just found.

“Tell me I didn’t fuck up.”  He felt lips cover his again for a second before pulling away and he opened his eyes.

“Exactly the opposite.”

 

 


End file.
